Raw

'We are not battling for your daughters' life.
We are battling for your heart.'

These are the words I felt the Lord impress on my heart just moments ago. My eyes are red and puffy, my cheeks are streaked with tears and I am raging in the arms of my God.
No great catastrophe has happened,
I have actually had a wonderful day.
Let me backtrack.
I am reading the shack and in it I am facing the deepest fear I have ever known; the fear of losing my child.
I knew this book would be a challenge. I didn't know whether to go ahead and read it or not. Felt confused and afraid of facing my fears. But God.... oh those two famous words! But God said 'Read it with me.'
And so I have. And now I am sitting here, two thirds in and my soul is screaming with unresolved conflict.
This post is very raw, its hard to write. This is the most vulnerable I have made myself yet, but I feel to keep going.
I am holding a grudge against God for the possibility that I could lose anyone that I love. I am angry at Him already for something I fear He is capable of allowing to happen to me. I don't know how to trust a God who could let me go through anything like that.
I hardly got through post-natal depression and that was nothing compared to so many other nightmares there are to face in this world. Inside, I am terrified. I have seen people who have lost. I have seen God's grace through them. But it doesn't seem to be enough! I know that I have no way of judging that. I know that God is good and loves me. But I don't know how to fully let go when I feel like the bottom of my world could fall out at any moment.
Sometimes I just don't know how not to want to run away and lock myself and my loved ones in an inpenetratable fortress, as if that was possible. This was a huge part of my depression. How do I live in the face of potential harm? Is God the powerful protector, keeping my family from danger or is He the Father of Abraham who compels me to love him despite what may happen to me or my loved ones?
I feel incapable to decide. Who is He?
How can I trust Him? How can I trust myself to not let bitterness invade my soul in the face of tragedy?
And then as I sit on the couch crying, I feel Him say, 'You are not begging for your daughter's life. To let go of the fear and anguish and false sense of control that worry gives is not to let your daughter fall prey to the evils of this world! You are not fighting against me to save her life. We are fighting for your heart! I am fighting against the wall of distrust that has always stopped you from fully entering into the safety of My arms. '
And so, I don't really have anything else to say, becuase although I am humbled and stilled, the questions still ravage if I let them take control.
But somehow, I know God is working with me. I don't quite get it yet, but I feel oddly peaceful.
I am deliberating whether to post this or not, but I feel I need to. Everything is kicking against it. But look, its who I am right now. No, I don't want the whole world to know it, but so far, those of you who read, I trust enough not to judge. And anyway, I just feel that little prompting pushing me to do this. So I am putting it out there. I hope that is ok.
Love you guys. xox